Values By Design

A simple exercise to help you get clear on what actually matters.

Something I have come to realise as I grow older and maybe wiser is that big decisions rarely become easier because you gather more information. They become easier when you get clear on what matters.

In other words… your values.

When life feels uncertain, values can be your compass. They help you orient, make decisions, and ask:

Is this aligned with the kind of life I want to build?

I think many of us move through life without ever consciously defining our values.

We inherit them from cultural conditioning. And from the endless invisible pressure of what a “successful” life is supposed to look like.

And often, we don’t realise we’re living according to borrowed values until something starts to feel deeply wrong… burnout, resentment, chronic overwhelm. A sense that you’re achieving all the “right” things while somehow moving further away from yourself. I know that feeling well.

Growing up in a culture that rewarded people-pleasing and striving to be a “good girl,” I entered adulthood with a surprisingly blurry idea of what I actually wanted.

It took years of inner work, healing, motherhood, reparenting, and some unlearning to start recognising my own values clearly. That clarity has shaped nearly every big decision in my life…

• not sending my children to school
• choosing respectful parenting
• freebirthing my babies
• building a business around motherhood instead of the other way around
• choosing slowness in a world addicted to urgency

None of those choices made much sense to everyone around me, but they made sense when filtered through my values.

When your values are clear, you stop asking, What should I do?

And start asking:

What choice feels most aligned with who I am and how I want to live?

Personal & Family Values Exercise

This exercise comes from my 2026 By Design planning guide, and I’ve also turned it into a free workbook you can download below.

I recommend doing this as two rounds, first for yourself and then, if you have a partner or children, come together for a family conversation.

Start by asking yourself:

• What values have been showing up in my choices lately?
• Which qualities feel like anchors in this season?
• Where do I want to grow… patience, trust, courage, rest, joy?
• How do I want our family values to feel in daily life…?

Here are some seed words to get you thinking:

belonging • courage • compassion • honesty • trust • joy • kindness • creativity • learning • freedom • rest • rhythm • simplicity • stewardship • presence • play • integrity • generosity • wisdom • curiosity • patience • care • gratitude • wonder

Circle the ones that resonate and add your own. Then narrow them down to your top 10. You may notice that many words overlap. That’s normal. Group them together.

For example:

Freedom / Autonomy / Sovereignty

= respectful parenting & self-directed education

Abundance / Financial Freedom / Security

Connection / Compassion / Self-love

Play / Joy / Creativity

The goal is clarity.

Our Family Needs

Once you’ve identified your values, the next layer is needs. Values tell us what matters, needs tell us what helps us thrive.

Human needs are universal, but they shift with seasons. What your family needed two years ago may not be what you need now.

Here are some need categories adapted from Marshall Rosenberg’s work in Nonviolent Communication:

Connection

Belonging, closeness, being seen, companionship, empathy, care

Play

Fun, adventure, laughter, relaxation, novelty

Peace

Ease, order, spaciousness, harmony, beauty, hope

Physical Well-being

Rest, nourishing food, movement, safety, touch, time outdoors

Meaning

Purpose, learning, contribution, creativity, growth

Autonomy

Choice, dignity, freedom, spontaneity, self-expression, time alone

Now ask:

• What does each person in our family need most right now?
• Where are we thriving?
• Where are we stretched thin?
• What support do we need?

These questions can be surprisingly revealing. Sometimes what looks like laziness is exhaustion. What looks like defiance is a need for autonomy. What looks like conflict is often unmet needs.

I’ve come to believe that slow living isn’t passive or idyllic, it’s intentional. It asks us to pay attention, to notice what matters. To take radical responsibility for the life we are creating. And to choose, again and again, in alignment with our values.

That is what living by design means to me.

I’ve turned this exercise into a free downloadable workbook called Values By Design.

If you’d like to work through the prompts on paper, you can download it here.

I’d love to know: What are three values that feel most alive for you right now?

With love,